The girl named Spaghetti Bolognese

 "Spaghetti Bolognese! I'm a little busy today, so you're going to help me deliver some fruits to your grandmother."

Without even gathering her thoughts together, she bellowed from her room, "KANINABU CHAO CHEE BYE!"

Spaghetti Bolognese was a 12-year-old girl who was extremely rude and incredibly vulgar for someone her age. She was full of herself and did not even have a modicum of respect for anybody. Her life essentially revolved around the philosophy of "I AM THE BOSS OF MY SAUCE", with sauce actually referring to her life.

Utterly shocked and mortified for the 12,485th time (her mother is a bit senile), she marched her way from the kitchen to Spaghetti Bolognese's room.


Staring at her computer screen playing AuditionSEA, with her character bearing absolutely no resemblance to her in reality, she whined, "I don't like grandma! She's a FREAK! Besides, doesn't she have legs of her own to buy her own shit?"

"First of all, don't call my mother a freak," her mother's arms akimbo. "Secondly, last time I checked, she's HANDICAPPED. You're going to visit her and YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT," she said with finality.

On her mother's behest, Spaghetti Bolognese grudgingly dragged her corpulent ass, carried the fruits containing shiny red apples and a few pears, put on her favourite red hood and left her shabby 3-room HDB flat. She liked to pretend that she was the Singaporean Little Red Riding Hood, except the "Little" is actually "Fat".

On her way to the train station, she gave furtive glances at every other morbidly obese person she walked pass, sniggering and judging them, clearly having not heard of "say people say yourself" before.

While on the train, she was accosted by a suspicious man wearing a trench coat and a hat, somewhat resembling like a cross between a flasher and a pedophile. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck," Spaghetti Bolognese repeatedly chanted while facing another direction, staring from the corner of her eyes.

The man touched her shoulder and she freaked out. "AHHHH! NABEI!" Spaghetti Bolognese squeaked and attempted to kick the man in his vagina.

"Calm down, girl, I would just like to ask-"

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME TO CALM DOWN? I DON'T NEED TO SEE YOUR PENIS BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S AS SMALL AS MY DEFORMED PINKY!" she flashed her deformed pinky in front of the man's face and the man gagged while grimacing upon seeing the horrific sight.

"I know I am very sexy and very voluptuous," Spaghetti Bolognese said seductively while caressing her hips. "But that doesn't mean I'll let you enter my pikachu!" After saying that, the man vomitted for real.

"Listen up, dipshit, I just want to know where you're heading to," said the man through his clenched teeth.

"I don't think it's an offence for me to visit my grandmother, is it?" Spaghetti Bolognese replied with a smug look on her face. "This bitch ain't got nothing on me," she thought to herself. The man walked away.

She happily made her way to her grandmother's house upon alighting, excited to regale her grandmother with what had happened.

Upon reaching the front door of her grandmother's small 1-room flat, she heard weird sounds coming from inside the house, sounding like what she figured was moaning. The sounds immediately stopped after she rang the doorbell.

Her grandmother opened the door, wearing nothing but a blue dress with a corpulent figure, much alike Spaghetti Bolognese herself, sitting comfortably on her remote-controlled wheelchair.

"Why, it's Spagh- sp- OH FUCK IT. It's been some time since I've last seen you! You've grown bigger, girl," said her grandmother while caressing her porky hand like nobody's business.

"What were those sounds from inside before I rang the bell, grandma?" Spaghetti Bolognese asked quizzically.

"Oh, it's nothing…" replied her grandmother softly, occasionally glancing at a closed laptop computer in the vicinity.

"oooOOoooOOoo notti notti!" Spaghetti Bolognese waved one finger along with a wink of an eye. "Aaanyway, here's some fruits from my mother. Your senile daughter. I'll just leave it here and I'll be on my way home!"

"Not so fast, honey, take a seat and I'll make some tea!" said her kind, handicapped grandmother.


"TAKE A SEAT!" commanded her grandmother. Spaghetti Bolognese immediately sat her fat ass down.

While sipping their little cups of English breakfast tea, the silence was penetrated by sudden loud banging noises coming from the door. Both Spaghetti Bolognese and her grandmother stood from their seats and the door came flying off its hinges. Spaghetti Bolognese's grandmother turned livid, but before she could say anything, she was shot in the chest by the intruder's gun.

He was the same man Spaghetti Bolognese had met on the train.

As Spaghetti Bolognese's grandmother collapsed to the floor, clutching the area she was shot at, she lay motionless, and Spaghetti Bolognese was cornered by the man, looking at her with interest. Everything was happening too fast for her to realise the extreme gravitas of the situation, mostly due to the fact that she had an IQ of 1.5.

"Why hello there… pretty girl… we meet again," he said slowly and seductively, eying Spaghetti Bolognese from head to toe.

"KANINA, BACK OFF, YOU PERVERT!" Spaghetti Bolognese spat on his face and gave him a tight slap across his cheek. In a disgusting twist of events, the man swallowed her spit. Spaghetti Bolognese gagged.

"Oh... you have a gag reflex? Well, that's sad, but it doesn't matter now... because we're going to have some fun..." the unabated man was starting to drool. It's hard to come across a man who fancies fat, obnoxious, underage girls.

Spaghetti Bolognese shut her eyes tightly and screamed bloody murder until there was a loud bang which happened almost simultaneously.

She slowly opened her eyes and the man was lying on the floor with a pool of blood forming around him. She looked up and got the shock of her life when she saw her grandmother back alive.

"Wa, hong gan! Macam k00l! Last time I saw this happen was in the Pirates of the Caribbean, got watch not?!" said Spaghetti Bolognese in sheer astonishment.

"I don't even watch movies anymore, the handicapped one put right in front, by the end of the movie I'll be paralyzed neck down instead!" Her grandmother proceeded to expose her chest area, evincing the bulletproof vest hidden underneath. "Lao niang is hip and cool."

 Spaghetti Bolognese marched up to her grandmother and kicked her in the groin.

"Fucker, not only was I almost raped because you decided to 'die', BUT YOU'RE NOT EVEN HANDICAPPED? KAY EN EN, NOBODY LIES TO ME!" Spaghetti Bolognese was absolutely livid, totally ungrateful that if her grandmother didn't wear the vest she would have been raped (although that might be a good thing since she may not even get penetration in her life)

"Go home la go home la, I'll settle this mess myself." Her grandmother rolled her eyes.

"Oh shit! I have to harvest my crops on FarmVille!" Spaghetti Bolognese ran off without saying goodbye.

"You have very promising career prospects! Farming will be very suitable for you!" shouted her grandmother even though Spaghetti Bolognese had already left. "NOW HOW AM I GOING TO FIX THIS DOOR?"

Spaghetti Bolognese went home and regaled to her mother about the incident.

"She what?!"

"That's right, she shot him right in the face! Or so I think."

"What was he wearing again?"

"A brown trench coat with a brown hat. In hindsight, he's kinda old too. Nabei! Lao niang almost tio rape by old man! I would have been so depressed and killed myself right there and then!"

Spaghetti Bolognese's mother's face then turned from one of shock to one of concern.

"She killed your grandfather..."

Spaghetti Bolognese was so upset that her mother was actually not concerned about her being almost raped that she sucker-punched her mother in the left boob.

1 comment: