Playing with myself (may or may not be sexual)

I was randomly typing shit into my blog's search bar and read some posts from a looong looong time ago. Then I realised how much of an annoying fuck I was. Oh wait, I still am. How did I have friends ah? I suddenly feel so grateful for having so many friends standing by me all these years <3

Also this is going to be like confessionals but not really.

What I initially wanted to be was to be a journalist. Just writing shit all day long. But I've realised, and actually for a verrrry verrrry long time already that... writing about other stuff isn't really at the top of my list.

It's not that I don't want to be a media practitioner anymore, but I just don't think I'll be able to be cut out as a journalist, unless somehow I can carve a career out of writing this blog like Xiaxue which is pretty much impossible by now.

People have told me before that they think my writing is really good but after being in Mass Comm, I realised that... what I want to be is not to be behind the camera, but rather be in front of the camera. Yep. I'm an attention whore though I don't really show it in real life as much as I do here.

This is probably fuelled by the fact that the behind-the-camera people are reaaally under-appreciated and I just don't like that feeling. I mean, nobody does, but I crave attention dammit.

But who knows? I've always wanted to be in the entertainment industry. Somehow I've always felt like I want to go into acting, theatre, drama and all that but I always thought it was just impossible to achieve, and therefore never really did anything about it.

They weren't joking when they said Mass Comm was competitive. My coursemates are already doing things way above an average student like me. I don't think it's far off from how competitive the entertainment industry out there is too, and I'll admit it's making me scared. Very.

I'm also very envious of the coursemates who are able to just do their own thing without being affected by their surroundings. They are so bochup about it and it is a good thing because they are so carefree and just don't give two shits.

But is it wrong to want to achieve so much? Why must I be so ambitious? I'm getting so worried over shit when I shouldn't be.

With that said though, right now in my poly life I'm not even going to try and be like the top student or anything. I'm just going to let everything be and just enjoy the learning process no matter what the outcome is.

I've decided that if I get a shit GPA then it's fine, cuz at least I had a great time learning something I'm interested in. Although I might get whiny for the first 24 hours but I'll get over it usually pretty quickly anyway.

Maybe if all else fails in life career-wise for me I'll just go be a porn star or something. We'll see, we'll see...

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