Everybody, China Wine (China Part 5)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Don't worry, we weren't treated as child labour working our asses off during our China trip, which, as of the date this is posted, took place 9 months ago. As you can see, I am a really efficient blogger. A+.

Our first weekend was in this place known as the Lijiang Old Town which is basically this huge shopping area-ish place resembling a, well, old town (oh wow, no shit). It kind of reminds me of RuneScape, albeit minus people killing each other and shitty MIDI background music. It's essentially a tourist trap but because it's China everything is still cheap anyway!







Hola papi

While we were there other than witnessing a couple pissed with one another leading to the girlfriend actually biting her boyfriend's shoulder, I noticed that there were some things really different from how we do it here.


1. Their restaurants have average food and waste plastic unnecessarily



You'd think that they're brand new plates from Daiso!!!111 but NOOOO sometimes after opening it I would usually find that it's still quite dirty!! Want to create illusion that it's clean also dunno how to do it properly; so disappointing


2. They have sketchy-looking McDonald's outlets



Exactly


3. Their KFC outlets



First of all, they are open for 24 hours. Holy shitballs!!! They also serve some pretty amazing shit like



Popcorn chicken and bubble tea. I really LOVE the popcorn chicken there, but nobody else did. It's in no way crispy like the ones we have here, but are more juicy, tender, and less peppery so you can taste more of the chicken, which is why the others find it "bland". Whatever man. Haters gonna hate. This was actually one of the few things I tried in China that I really liked!!

I can't say the same for their signature chicken though. They're so small that it's really freaky because of how they always say they substitute chicken meat for rat meat. The chicken pieces are literally so small they can fit each completely into the paper pockets they put McDonalds' hashbrowns in.

This is what happened to the bubble tea by the way:



Lovely.



More KFC goodness


4. Pizza Hut there is really cheap. Like reaaaallly cheap.



Wowowowow. You can probably get a meal there for less than SGD8 and there is a really huuuuuuge variety of food you can choose from like this awesome pasta right here:




5. China's definition of beef = yak meat



I bought these skewers which the seller claimed to be beef (niu rou), so I was like yay it's not rabbit meat! But when I tried it the texture was really chicken-like and tender, but not really.



How does this even look like beef?

That day, we also saw an alpaca which led me to believe that this is actually ALPACA MEAT disguised as beef!!! And when I discovered this I actually made Nicolene cry but that's irrelevant (stupid bitch)

I would later find out that the meat is actually yak meat (yang niu in Chinese) so when they said "niu rou" they were referring to this "niu"! Apparently even their milk is from yaks and not the cows we know of. No wonder even their Wei Bo is like Twitter. Think they hipsters and shit.

6. They have awesome fashion



DON'T FORGET TO ACTUALLY SKATE IN THESE!!!


We also managed to try the bing tang hu lu (haw candy or something), the ever-so-ubiquitous candy that you always see kids in those ancient Chinese dramas eating.



I used to think that they taste like taiwanese sausages, but as it would turn out disappointingly for me, they are actually fruits coated with sweet shit :(



Ok la they were quite nice... but you know what would've been nicer? If they actually tasted like taiwanese sausages. ~*I'm a bitter bitch*~


Sad-looking pussy

That weekend we went to the ~*JADE MOUNTAIN*~. It's like a mountain but dunno why no jade.



Showcasing our VERY CLEAN AND VERY WARM COAT. That's what the tour guide kept repeating throughout the whole bus journey and I kept saying it over and over again because it was stuck in my head. VERY CLEAN AND VERY WARM COAT.



The Lijiang Impression which they made a huge deal out of because it was directed by Zhang Yimou and shit. But just like our National Day Parades it ended up being a bore and I didn't know what was happening most of the time (also partially cuz it's damn cold despite still wearing my very clean and very warm coat).



Dumbass hats



Breaking my cable car virginity, and probably the only virginity I'll ever break



The view here is probably the same view when you take a cable car in Singapore right now lulz ~*because haze you dumbass*~



Here's me looking like an idiot

Apparently I think I have aptitude sickness because I started to feel slightly nauseous when we got out. That and it was still bloody cold despite our VERY CLEAN AND VERY WARM COAT.

Not to mention it started HAILING while we were climbing up like wtf. And I couldn't see shit because everything was just smoking up so we gave up after half an hour.



Sure





"Cows eat grass. I eat cow" And that's only one of the 5000 other animals they all eat LOOOOOOL

Anyway as I mentioned earlier that was the ~*Jade Mountain*~, and with every mountain climbed comes an episode of MOUNTAINOUS ADVENTURES!1!!1!1




After that we took a bus to go kill ourselves and then we saw this!!!



*cue The Sims background music*

This is probably how the China version of EA creates The Sims where there would be an option for sims to actually eat their own pets!!!



Bloody shit lor the water is BLUE! SKY BLUE! Or whatever blue that is. Crystal blue? Idk, but I'd swim in that and get hypothermia because it looks so pretty.



Here's a random pic of Aravin smoking like a diva

And before I end off here's a picture of your boobs



I wonder what they did to make their nipples so red and sore-looking. Eeurghuruguhr.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

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