Life's unexpected surprises and my fucked up brain

Have you ever chanced upon a particularly hazardous area, always fearful of falling to your death or dropping something important into it? Like, say, the MRT platform back then when they didn't have the barriers and when SMRT thought a simple yellow line would be sufficient protection from potential deaths.

Or when you're a lizard and you casually saunter into Travis Chan's bathroom, thinking you'll be able to enjoy a few sips of water (and smelling his used underwear because his crotch obvs smells like roses) only to have a water-spraying monster coming your way to flush you down the drain (that is not his penis).

Think about it! Which place have you seen that made you think, "Wa biang, one day I confirm will drop something inside one" but actually never do. For me, it's the small gap between the lift and the floor landing.

I've always heard horror stories of people dropping their phones, tablets, or virginities through a gap that I'd think would be the second-most feared hole after a vagina to a gay man, but I've never actually seen it happen! Probably because I live on the second floor so I usually take the stairs, but you know what I mean.

But then you will look at it and be like, "Aiya, so small only! Drop also confirm kiap there one lor!". That's what I always thought too. Just like how I never understood why the announcers at MRT stations tell us to "mind the platform gap" when it really isn't anything to mind about.

So recently I was going to a friend's place and we were gonna go out for dinner from his house. The lift door opened and I walked in, with my wallet, phone and keys precariously being held onto by like 1cm² of my palm in one hand. Then all I did was to move my hand a bit and BAM!

I came to a realisation that it's actually a very auntie thing to hold all your shit in one hand.

I also realised that my key just fell out of my hand.

I KNEW it fell off my hand. I was EXTREMELY AWARE that I could have easily kicked it mid-air so it would land somewhere else.

But I just looked down, staring at how only one key went into the gap, the other one still lying on the lift floor. With a swift kick, I should have been able to get the key out before shit hits the fan (or rather, floor).

Yet all I did was stare, and because I have no bulky keychain whatsoever, the weight of the key pulled the other in anyway and it fell to oblivion. It was like a cold-blooded serial murderer disposing just one of his other corpses. Ok wait what

Damn sian. Although only my friends saw what happened (which resulted in a simultaneous panic attack from all of them except myself) I feel thoroughly embarrassed by this incident. It feels more embarrassing than bumping into a schoolmate after grocery shopping in NTUC clad in an old, oversized T-Shirt and boxers (I am not actually embarrassed by that at all).

So when I went home I promptly googled "Have you ever dropped anything into the lift gap?" to offer myself consolation but only resulted in this loltastic YouTube link and websites telling me why I should take a gap year.

Fortunately there wasn't anything about thigh gaps, but the bad news is nobody has really experienced this before other than some guy who dropped his phone because it was too big to fit into his pocket fully (Samsung.). Even then, at least it wasn't held in his HAND, being in perfect control of its fate!!!

I think they should do something about this gap leh. If they can invent seals that cover the gap under doors I'm sure they can do the same for lifts too right! Cleans one side of the lift shaft as well, so that's a win-win situation. Wa whichever lift association reads this should thank me man (then pay me)

But you know what they should do? They should install a hugeass sensor right at the very bottom of the lift shaft, so when something falls onto it it will play a track of someone shouting "LOSER!", but the town council probably doesn't have that big of a budget so they can just recruit part-time lift-shouters to station there all day. New job openings!!! (If the sensor idea works out, it would be a really sad day if the lift snaps one day (choy) and falls while people are still in it, and when they go down to retrieve the bodies they just hear a speaker continuously playing "loser! loser! loser!")


Something else also happened on Saturday. I've always been a firm believer in good oral. Nothing feels better every morning than having a stick shoved into your mouth and have this white substance slowly, and gently cleaning the surface of your teeth. That's why I take the effort to do it every morning AND every night before I sleep. And just in case you're wondering, I spit, not swallow.

Which is why I was shocked and legitimately disappointed in myself when I realised I had forgotten to brush my teeth that morning (You thought I talking about what? Naughty) when I was already on the train to school!! Bloody cheebye, and cheebye indeed because that's how my breath probably smelt like as well!

It never actually crossed my mind until I was on the train and shifted my attention to the taste of my saliva because I was so bored. It tasted quite funky. And that was when I thought... "Did I brush my teeth this morning?" and that memory was honestly very hazy in my head. Brushing teeth isn't a particularly memorable activity.

Then I started exhaling breath into my palm then smelling the resultant air continuously to no results because it didn't smell bad. I licked my finger discreetly and smelt the saliva. Didn't smell bad. Yes, I did all those while on the train too.

But I didn't want to take chances so I started running through my head what I should do to salvage the situation. I Googled for help and it was full of people scolding people like me for being nasty and inconsiderate for not remembering to brush (walao wei) and how you'd have to keep eating mints all day to keep it smelling okay which is out of the question because I was on a strict diet (Note how it's in past tense and this only happened 2 days ago).

I could also just stop talking to people altogether, but I'd have to remain mute for more than 12 hours that way. I ultimately decided that if anybody complains of bad breath I'll just say it's them and not me on the bus to school.

But when I reached NP I immediately headed for Cheers, hoping for a miracle in the form of a stick and a tube that's not a dildo and lube (poem la sial), and the moment I opened the door it's like the store KNEW I was going to forget to brush my teeth because a hugeass stand full of oral hygiene stuff was right there!! So I quickly bought it and went to the toilet to brush my teeth. Yay to a guiltless day!

I was quite happy about it so I went around telling all the FMSA SMTs about it. Big mistake. Cheryl shouted at the juniors "TRAVIS DIDN'T BRUSH HIS TEETH!!!" which now makes my already non-existent image in school even more non-existent, just like my sex life.

I have also come to a conclusion that I will never make it far in life, and in the event that my dream career of being a pole stripper whose underwear only accepts $50 bills truly fails, I will go to my immediate Plan B which is to be a hawker. That is why I will be attempting to make chwee kueh tomorrow (if I even manage to wake up early) so wish me all the best instead of scolding me all the time about how it only costs $1 at Kopitiam OKAY?!?!!?!

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