20 and (still) Nasty

So my birthday happened last week. Yay! My own present to myself was to not exercise in any way for the entire week. Needless to say I am suffering the emotional repercussions now.

Thanks to all the awesome people who wished me. I have officially entered the stage in my life where I will probably have to tick "20–25 years old" under survey age ranges. Not sure how I feel about that. But I'm pretty sure I'm going through a 1/5 life crisis.

My birthday last year was spent getting turnt and drunk as fuck. But one year later I find comfort and warmth in just having small house parties / hawker centre dinners. Most alcoholic drink I had was a Tiger Radler (could be 10, but I lost count, just kept poppin tabs all night long), which is nice okay?!?! Haha.

As graduation looms nearer I'm so fearful of what's to come in the future. I'm not even thinking about NS, because I'm very sure I'll be able to deal with that sort of change since I've been mentally preparing myself for like, the past 10 years.

But rather, what's to come after that? Everyone's already getting ready to apply for university applications coming end Feb. At least for the girls. I definitely won't be applying for admission for 2017 now. NTU e-mailed me about my eligibility for their early admissions exercise but I gave that a skip because I didn't want to make hasty decisions.

The change I'm probably most reticent toward is the thought of possibly going overseas for studies after NS. If I decide to go with it, I don't think I'll be able to adequately deal with such a change, mainly because I'll be leaving all my friends and essentially my life behind? I think I have attachment issues.

I know I will probably be able to make new friends and get used to a new life with a change of scenery, but not being able to stay updated with my friends' lives in Singapore, growing up with them and all, will probably be very sad. I'm such a clingy bitch.

I mean, Singapore can change a lot in a few years. Friends' lives can progress a lot in a few years with major milestones I won't get to be a part of. I will probably have friends who will get married while I am overseas. The thought of that scares me because we're growing up at such a fast pace?!?! I CANNOT deal with this. I am NOT ready for adulthood. I'm so bad at dealing with change. Growing up kinda sucks.

But obviously my life is not run by my friends right? They also have their own lives they want to lead right? I know, and despite knowing that, I don't know why I still feel so affected! Once again, I'm a clingy bitch.

My only problem now is probably that... there are a lot of things that I want to do. Like, A LOT. And I am finding means to earn the money to fund these interests. It's kind of taking a toll on my financials and social life.

Mostly attributed to the fact that I've wasted a lot of my teenage years. Looking back, I think I do have a lot of regrets in life, as much as I tried to spend those days as happily as possible. I've had a lot of wasted opportunities when I was a kid, and now I'm just trying to make up for lost time. But I guess that's what keeps me driven to work hard, but it's probably wearing my soul down more than is known to me. It'll be fun to see where this takes me. I just hope I don't like, die in NS or something.

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