My First and Last City Harvest Church Experience

Yes, this might be an unwarranted, #toosoon kind of post, if you're Christian, I guess. But we all know I am a shit-stirrer, and I always like to tell this story so I figured I'll just lay it out here for my future self-reference in case I get dementia.

I remember I was in Primary 2 and I was playing at the playground at night with one of my childhood friends who I don't keep in contact with anymore. I vividly remember this woman who came up to us – I even remember her fucking name ok – WENDY! She wore black-rimmed spectacles and had brown hair up till her chest. If I remember correctly, she was also wearing a lesbian-esque polo shirt with jeans.

Anyhoo, she passed us flyers to go to City Harvest Church that weekend or something, because they had some kind of kids programme and wanted to get people to participate. I didn't think twice about it, because at that age, I knew shit about religion, and I didn't even know that I was going to go to a church. I'm not sure if I was that stupid or I simply gave no fucks.

So we made the decision to go anyways for some unknown reason, and I remember something happened that day that made me late / miss the shuttle bus – so the church actually got one of their members down to fetch me from Jurong Point and take a public bus there. Okay lah, that was actually pretty nice. In retrospect, I guess they're clearly very serious about converting people.

We got there and it was super crowded in the auditorium, and all I could remember was people singing Christian songs my friend and I had totally no clue about (the church people saw us not singing and told us to sing but WTF I DUNNO THE SONGS WHAT). But that's not the most memorable bit.

The most memorable bit was how at one point, we were all told to close our eyes and cup our hands. We were adamantly told that we CANNOT open our eyes – because Jesus would damn me to hell if I did (they did not actually say that, but I can't think of any other... logical... reason). If we did as we were told, Jesus, aka the volunteers, would give us a sweet.

So I closed my eyes.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Did I cup my hands wrongly? Correct what.

Waited.

Waited.

Waited.

And bitch, I never got the sweet.

That's exactly why I never went back to City Harvest Church.

Also, I lost my phone there. I still remember it was the Motorola Peanut Phone which had polyphonic ringtones, which made me the coolest kid in Jurong West's Art Park.






Also, somebody please tell Sun Ho her botox looks like shit:





Bitch looked like she went from Dr. Georgia Lee straight to the court! Nasty!

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